After death

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

A panty and a stage curtain

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.

Going to heaven

Teacher asked: Which part of the body goes to heaven first?
A Kid replied : The legs...because every night I see my mum's legs up high and screaming "OH GOD! I'M COMING".

Osama's Secret Code

After numerous rounds of attack, yet the statement made by the US government 'We don't even know if Osama Bin Laden is still alive', Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own hand writing to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it c ontained a single line of coded message: 370H-SSV-0773HBush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condoleeza Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, and then to MI6 in London.
Eventually they asked the Mossad (Israeli intelligence) for help.

Within a minute the Mossad emailed the White House with this reply:

"Tell the President he's holding the note upside down."

Just enjoying the fountain

God

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.
2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end! -- God's way leads to an endless hope.
3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.
6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.
7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.
8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.
9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.
10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.
11. The church is prayer-conditioned.
12. When God ordains, He sustains.
13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.
16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.
18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.
19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.
20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
21. He who angers you controls you.
22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.
23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.
24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them..
25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

Blood flow

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted. “’Cause your feet ain't empty."

Friends

"That's the secret about friends -- it's not all about how they can make your life better. It's all about how they can make you feel better about yourself." - Friendster's Sagittarius horoscope of 11 September.

Racer

Sleeping positions

Would you marry me if..?

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

Clever, Interesting, and Funny tattoos

Batman dad

Hatch put dads' rights in the headlines by perching near Buckingham Palace's balcony dressed as Batman. Read the complete article here.


fathers-4-justice.org

Minum air dingin

Hati2 buat yang suka minum air dingin setelah makan...

Sakit Jantung dan Minum Air Hangat....

Artikel ini sangat bagus. Tidak hanya mengenai minum air hangat setelah makan, tapi juga tentang serangan jantung. Ini masuk akal... orang Cina dan orang Jepang minum teh panas dengan makanan mereka.. bukan air dingin.. mungkin sudah waktunya kita mengadaptasi kebiasaan minum air hangat seperti mereka..

Ga rugi.. malah untung..
Untuk mereka yang suka minum air dingin, artikel ini cocok untuk anda.

Memang enak untuk minum secangkir minuman dingin setelah makan. Tapi, air dingin akan mengeraskan makanan berminyak yang baru saja dimakan. Dan memperlambat pencernaan makanan. Ketika endapan ini bereaksi dengan asam lambung, endapan akan terpecah dan diserap oleh usus lebih cepat daripada makanan padat. Ini akan memenuhi usus. Sebentar saja, ini akan berubah menjadi lemak dan bisa mengakibatkan kanker.

Paling baik meminum/memakan sup panas atau air hangat setelah makan.

Catatan serius mengenai serangan jantung:
Tidak semua gejala serangan jantung adalah sakit pada lengan kiri. Waspadalah jika ada rasa sakit yang terus menerus pada rahang.

Mungkin kita tidak akan mengalami rasa sakit dada pertama ketika terjadinya serangan jantung. Rasa mual dan keringat yang berlebihan juga adalah gejala yang umum dijumpai. 60% dari mereka yang terkena serangan jantung ketika tidur tidak terbangun.

Rasa sakit di rahang bisa membangunkan kita dari tidur nyenyak. Berhati-hatilah dan berwaspada. Semakin banyak kita tahu, semakin baik kesempatan kita untuk selamat.

Seorang ahli jantung mengatakan jika mereka yang mendapatkan email ini mengirimkannya lagi ke 10 orang lainnya, kita bisa menyelamatkan sedikitnya 1 nyawa. Bacalah, ini bisa menyelamatkan hidup anda.
Jadilah teman sejati dan kirimkan artikel ini ke semua teman yang kamu sayangi.

The Ten Commandments

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

True love

Girl: Do i ever cross ur mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--me or ur life
Boy: my life

The girl turns away in shock and pain, and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because YOU ARE MY LIFE.

Lihat sisi baiknya

Buat temen-temen yg masih sendiri...
Have a positive thinking!! Begini....

Roni : Aku suka sama kamu, Rin .... Aku pengin kamu jadi pacarku.
Rina : (Malu-malu) Aku juga suka sama kamu, Ron.
Artinya - Jelas si Rina suka sama si Roni, sampe ngomong terus terang gitu.

Adam : Yen, Aku bener-bener suka sama kamu. Aku pengin kita bisa jalan bareng.
Yeyen : Kaya'nya kita lebih baik temenan aja, dech. Kita khan udah lama temenan.
Artinya - Yeyen pun sebenarnya suka sama si Adam. Status "teman" hanya buat alasan aja buat si Yeyen biar bisa deket terus sama si Adam.

Wiko : Aku ngerasa cocok jalan sama kamu. Mau ngga' jadi pacarku, Wen?
Wenny : Jangan sekarang deh .... Aku pengin konsentrasi study-ku dulu.
Artinya - Wenny suka sama si Wiko, jawaban yang nggantung dan ngambang kaya' gitu maksudnya biar Wiko penasaran dan tetep "stay around" si Wenny. Dengan gitu khan mereka bisa tetep deket.
Andaikan si Wenny nggak suka, pasti ngomong terus terang sama Wiko.

Roy : Kamu cakep dech, Lia ... Aku pengin pacaran sama kamu ....
Lia : Terus terang ya, Roy ... Aku nggak suka sama kamu. Aku benci sama kamu. Kamu Egois, Kamu bau, Kamu urakan, Kamu cowok males ! Pokoknya aku benciii sama kamu !!!
Artinya - Perhatian Lia gedhe sama Roy. Lia tau semua sifat-sifat Roy, sampe baunya segala. Ngga' banyak cewek yang perhatian kaya' gitu. Dan sangat mungkin itu artinya Lia aslinya suka sama Roy.

Indra : Aku udah lama merhatiin kamu, Yen ... Aku suka en sayang banget sama kamu ...
Yenni : (Tertawa lepas) Haa..ha..uahaaa..ha.. Lucu kamu, Ndra !
Artinya - Betapa gembiranya! Yenni mendengar ucapan Indra. Ekspresi tawa bahagia tiada tara. Jelas banget si Yenni suka sama sama si Indra, sampe dibilang kalo Indra lucu segala.
Yanto : Ria, ...Mau ngga' jadi pacarku?
Ria : Plak !! Plak !! (Ria "menyentuh" pipi si Yanto)
Artinya - Yanto spesial buat Ria. "Sentuhan" tangan Ria ke pipi Yanto (sampe 2X bahkan, ninggalin bekas merah lagi) adalah sentuhan yang ngga' semua cowok bisa ngerasain. Peluang besar buat Yanto bahwa Ria suka sama dia.

Bimo : Win, Wina ... Aku suka banget sama kamu. Pacaran Yuk ...Wina : Jancuk !! Aku iki lanang, Mo! Aku koncomu, WinaRNO !!! Eling, Mo....eling ... Aku WinaRNO..!!
Artinya - Wina seneng sama Bimo. Masa' sampe ngaku-ngaku cowok segala. Ngotot lagi..! Wina ngaku cowok khan biar selalu bisa santai dan deket sama Bimo.

Jadi jawaban apapun yang nantinya diberikan sama si cewek, peluang selalu ada dan ngga' pernah ketutup. So .. Tetap Semangat...!

Kisses and gestures

What kisses mean...
-Kiss on the stomach: I'm ready.
-Kiss on the forehead: I hope we're together forever.
-Kiss on the ear: You're my everything.
-Kiss on the cheek: We're friends.
-Kiss on the hand: I adore you.
-Kiss on the neck: We belong together.
-Kiss on the shoulder: I want you.
-Kiss on the lips: I love you.

What gestures mean...
-Holding Hand: We definitely like each other.
-Slap on the butt: That's mine. (preferably not to be done except to your husband/wife, unless you want to be considered a lecher)
-Holding on tight: I don't want to let go.
-Looking into each other's eyes: I just plain like you.
-Playing with Hair: Tell me you love me.
-Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.
-Laughing while kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.

Advice:
Don't ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in Love.

Like peanut

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, I just found out that our neighbour's son has a penis like a peanut!
MUM: You mean it's small?
LITTLE GIRL: No, it's salty!!!

Adam and Eve

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No way! They have no clothes and no shelter," the Russian points out, "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."

Scream of the poop

Saving the cat

Teacher: Why did you bring your cat to school?
Pupil : Because I heard my sister's boyfriend say, "TONIGHT I WILL EAT YOUR PUSSY".

Class photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."

Muffins

Two muffins are in an oven.
One says, "Its getting hot in here."
The other says, " HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Gay jokes

"How is a straight guy like tofu?
Squishy, unattractive and no taste."

"What do you get when you cross a straight man and a straight woman?
Three kids, a mistress and two divorce lawyers."

"If straight women who hang out with gay men are called fag hags and straight men who hang out with gay men are fruit flies, then what are straight men who hang out with lesbians called?
Voyeurs."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. "

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Oscar movies

Anyone know the next years Oscars favourite movies?

The Pursuit of HappyFeet and The Devil Wears Blood Diamonds

Who's that guy?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Going home early

Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now 1 hour early.
A student accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher.
Teacher: Who shot that spit ball?!
Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.

Toilet accident

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"

He heard the voice again. "Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back."

Underwear

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"
"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"

Grave misunderstanding

Two friends are out hunting. Suddenly, one falls to the ground, eyes fading. The other calls 911. The operator picks up. "My friend is dead! Hurry up and take him to the hospital!" The operator responds, "Wait.. chill out. First, make sure that he's dead. There is momentary silence, then a gunshot.
The friend says, "Ok. What's next?"

The panda and the prostitute

A little panda bear goes into a pros-house. He goes into a bed with one of the female pros. He begins giving her oral. Da pros. wakes up halfway. She is about to chase the panda bear away, but decides to let him finish cuz it feels so good.

He finishes.. and starts to leave.
"Wait", she says, "you didn't pay me yet!" The panda bear shrugs and continues walking out. She then holds up a dictionary. Look here! The panda bear comes back. She flips to prostitute, "Someone who gets money for services done with body" The little panda bear just shrugs and goes to the definition of panda bear. "eats bushes and leaves."

Son of a...

A little boy was doing his maths homework.

He said to himself, "Two plus five, the son of a bitc... is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a bitc... is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the son of a bitc... is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,

"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

How you survive with twice a year

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

"Just where the heck do you think you're going!", said the man.

"I'm going to Las Vegas", said the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"

The man said, "Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.

The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS" ... and be ready for China.
In order to continue getting-by in China, we need to learn English the way it is spoken...... ......... ........
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. Ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea . . . meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy... Rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome."

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......
and you do, don't you!”

Priority in life

When you have nothing to do at school...

Valentine for Osama

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, and then says "No, I don't think God would mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines can shoot him."

Poems

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

~*Happy Valentine's Day!!*~

Love; Lust; Marriage

Love- When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
Lust- When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
Marriage- When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

Love- When intercourse is called making love.
Lust- When intercourse in called screwing.
Marriage- When intercourse is a little town in Pennsylvania.

Love- When you argue over how many kids to have.
Lust- When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
Marriage- When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

Love- When you share everything you own.
Lust- When you steal everything they own.
Marriage- When the bank owns everything.

Love- When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
Lust- When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
Marriage- When.... uh.... what's a climax.

Love- W hen your heart flutters every time you see them.
Lust- When your groin twitches every time you see them.
Marriage- When your wallet empties every time you see them.

Love- When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
Lust- When all the songs on the radio determine how you do it.
Marriage- When you listen to talk radio.

Love- When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
Lust- When staying together is something you try not to think about.
Marriage- When just getting through the day is your only thought.

Love- When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
Lust- When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
Marriage- When you're only interested in your golf score.

Love- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
Lust- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
Marriage- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

Love- You only leave the house for coffee and doughnuts.
Lust- You only leave the house for condoms and Vaseline.
Marriage- You only leave the house when you're allowed.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Cat's exercise

Alternative Therapy

A pharmacist returs from his lunch break to find a man leaning heavily against the wall, looking terrified. "What's wrong with that guy?" he asks his recently hired blonde clerk.
"Well, he came in just after you left," she says. "He's got a cough, but since I couldn't find the cough syrup, I prescribed him an entire bottle of laxative."
"You idiot," yells the pharmacist. "You can't treat a cought with laxative!"
"Yes, you can," responds the blonde, indignantly.
"Look at him - he's been too afraid to cough ever since he drank it!"

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

For wine drinker..

A man goes to a famous restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.
The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton!"

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton.
Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.
"My name is Philippe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the manager steps forward and admit that he replaced the 1928 Mouton with Clerc Milon 1928 while claiming it as 1928 Mouton. "We could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. So I get this Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the manager to come over and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

Memo around the office

The following is a story of how an "official" memo is being passed around hierarchy-ly in a company, from the Director to the staff.

From: Director - To: General Manager
"There will be a sun eclipse tomorrow morning, at nine. This is not an event that we can see everyday. To experience this occurance, all the staffs are to gather at the field with proper attire. I will explain this rare nature phenomenone. If it rains, however, we won't be able to see the eclipse, so let us gather in the canteen instead."
From: General Manager - To: Manager
"On Director's order, tomorrow at 9 am there will be a full sun eclipse. But if it rains, we won't be able to gather and see it in full attire. Therefore, the occurance of the missing sun will be explained by the Director in the canteen. This is not something that we can see everyday."

From: Manager - To: Supervisor
"According to the the Director's order, tomorrow we will see the sun gone in canteen, at 9 am, with proper attire. The Director will explain whether tomorrow will rain. This is not something we can see everyday"

From: Supervisor - To: Coordinator
"If it rains at the canteen tomorrow, it is something we cannot see everyday. The Director with proper attire, will dissappear at nine."

From: Coordinator - To: All staffs
"Tomorrow morning, gather at the canteen at nine, the Director will disappear. Too bad, we cannot see it everyday."

From: Staff to Staff
"It is better if he disappears..”

Bad break-up

One kiss

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Costly test

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got his test back and $64 change.

14 cases of getting married

CASE 1 Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

CASE 2 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married,he is finished.

CASE 4 Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

CASE 6 Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
CASE 7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
CASE 8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

CASE 9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
CASE 10 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
CASE 11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied,"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
CASE 12 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "wife wanted" The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14 A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

Good head

Larry was walking home one night when he came acros a girl tied to the railway tracks. He untied her and took her back to his place where they ended up having sex all night long. They had sex in the kitchen, they had sex in the lounge, they had sex in the bedroom. It was the best night of Larry's life.

Larry was telling his mate about this a couple days later and his mate just couldn't believe it. "What did she look like, Larry? Was she good looking?" his friend inquires, leering. "I dunno," says Larry. "She didn't have a head."

Paid to click!

Bush in between

Pretty face or sexy body?

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

The dog and the wife

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you ?

Period and salary

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

Love Doctor

Doctor Dave has slept with one of his patients, and feels teribly guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tries to forget it, he simply can't. The guilt and sense of betrayal is overwhelming. He goes to see his psychiatrist, and attempts to justify what's he's just confessed to, saying he's not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of his patients, and he won't be the last. And he's single. The psychiatrist looks up from his notes and says, "Yes, Dave. But you're a vet."

Deadbeat in a bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

The truest definition of Globalization?

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an Spanish doctor, using Brazilian medicines.

AND

This is sent to you by an American (using Bill Gates’s technology) and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladesh workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by China, unloaded by African longshoremen, and trucked to you from Malaysia by Indonesian illegals…

Never Marry A Woman Bigger Than You

What my mother had taught me...

# My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
# My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
# My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
# My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
# My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
# My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
# My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
# My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
# My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
# My mother taught me about PATIENCE.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
# My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
# My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
# My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
# My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
# My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
# My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
# My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
# My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
# My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
# My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
# My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
# My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
# My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
# My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
# And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Priceless!

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!

Newspaper ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, swimming naked in the pond, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Responses!
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador retriever.

Hillary vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."

Helicopter problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

They've found Popeye's mom and dad!!