Saturday, January 20, 2007

Newspaper ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, swimming naked in the pond, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador retriever.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Hillary vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed.
They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Helicopter problem

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position in Seattle.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Advice for ladies..

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the
sports section...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.... Buy a cat!

Monday, January 15, 2007

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Persona Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Would Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?


Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck.

Sunday, January 14, 2007


TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?BALGOBIN : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?

BALGOBIN : Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER : Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherrytree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

BALGOBIN : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER : No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?

TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN : Yes, it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.

TEACHER : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN : Brotherly love?

TEACHER : Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

TEACHER : Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN : No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN : A teacher.