A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Father of the bride

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom ... They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ..." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me."
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . But not the poor Groom !!!

Sleeping positions

True love

Girl: Do i ever cross ur mind?
Boy: No
Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: Not really
Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No
Girl: Choose--me or ur life
Boy: my life

The girl turns away in shock and pain, and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because YOU ARE MY LIFE.

One kiss

Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever."
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

14 cases of getting married

CASE 1 Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

CASE 2 At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
CASE 3 Before a man is married, he is incomplete. Then when he is married,he is finished.

CASE 4 Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.

CASE 5 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."

CASE 6 Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad : "That happens in most countries son."
CASE 7 Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."
CASE 8 A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes

CASE 9 When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
CASE 10 Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
CASE 11 After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied,"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
CASE 12 A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "wife wanted" The next day, he received hundreds letters. They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

CASE 13 When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.

CASE 14 A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked. The woman replied, "A multimillionaire."

The dog and the wife

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you ?

Advice for ladies..

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the
sports section...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.... Buy a cat!

Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0

Dear IT Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Persona Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as Formula One 5.0, NBA 3.0 and Would Cup 2.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Reply:
Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind: Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C:\ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Late Night 6.1. Late Night 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Good Luck.

Two degree course to be a man

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man.
That’s right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA
degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like an Ar*e When You’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(Elective)
(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
And when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

Share this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up their day!!

Love letter from a mathematician

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.You are as essential to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,
Pythagoras.

Rejected Hallmark cards

'Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you.'

'You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?'

Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'

Thoughts from Man's Heart

Thought 1

When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?


Thought 2

The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too where he is going.