Saturday, February 04, 2006

Church dinner

A group of country friends from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts - Janet wanted to outdo all the others.

So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak.  However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms --they cost too much."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and picksome of those  mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison."
He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them…they're OK."

So Janet decided to give it a try.  She picked a bunch --washed,sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) double handful.  Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long,  Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.  The meal was a great success and Janet even hired a lady from town to help her serve it. She
had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished eating, they relaxed, socialized, and started singing playing some music.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear.  She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it.  I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. I'll give everyone enemas and I will pump out every ones stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases,syringes and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.  After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "Done, everything will be fine now", and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time, the helper lady came in and said, "You know, I've been thinking...that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."

 Life Is Uncertain ........ Eat Dessert First!

Friday, February 03, 2006

Thursday, February 02, 2006

A mother is a mother no matter what species

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Questions and answers on lawyer

Question: What do you have when there is only one lawyer in town?
Answer: Too little work.

Question: What do you have when there are two lawyers in town? 
Answer: Too much work.

Question: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Answer: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!

Question: Why don't snakes bite attorneys? 
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
Answer: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.

Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? 
Answer: His lips begin to move.

Question: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
Answer: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Question: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: How many can you afford?

Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.

Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
Answer: A great place to start.

Question: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? 
Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
Answer: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? 
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer: A doberman pinscher.

Question: How do you get an attorney out of a tree? 
Answer: Cut the rope.

Question: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
Answer: Deep down, they're much nicer people.

Question: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists? 
Answer: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Question: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
Answer: New Jersey got first pick.

Question: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 
Answer: Cats keep trying to bury them.

Question: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
Answer: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Question: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? 
Answer: Stick his bill up his ass.

Question: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

Question: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Answer 1: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
Answer 2: The vulture eventually lets go.

Question: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? 
Answer: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.

Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: "Good morning, your honor."

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control? 
Answer: Their personalities.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Question: How many lawyer jokes are there? 
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Question: What do a baker and an attorney have in common? 
Answer: They both enjoy carving up the pie.

Question: Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
Answer: So they can park in handicapped zones.

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

A small business

A man visits his bank manager and says, "How do I start a small business?"

The manager replies, "Start a large one and wait six months."

Monday, January 30, 2006


An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

Sunday, January 29, 2006

My Brother-in-Law

Mr. Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."