Saturday, January 13, 2007

Two degree course to be a man

A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in:

Becoming a Real Man.
That’s right, in
just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an MA
degree. (Male Arts)
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS-Learn To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101: Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like an Ar*e When You’re Wrong
MEN 121: Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123: Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Hers

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101: You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102: Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How To Put the Toilet Seat Down

(See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212: You, Too, Can be a Designated Driver
MEN 213: Honest, You Don’t Look Like Brad Pitt
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220: Omitting %&*!@ from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket after Farting Is NOT Necessary
MEN 222: Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries are Important II

Course Electives:
EAT 102: Cooking with Tofu
EAT 103: Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103: Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231: Mothers-In-Law
MEN 232: Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C: Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there.
MENtal Illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)
And when we have real trouble, it’s a HISterectomy

Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?

Share this to all women you know (and men with a sense of humour) and brighten up their day!!

Friday, January 12, 2007

Thursday, January 11, 2007

An elderly in a car

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Sotally tober?

Starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are
I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep

I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get
Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

How to marry a rich guy..

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I' m going to say here. I' m 25 this year.
I'm very pretty, have style and good taste.
I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I 'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high.
Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary?
Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York
City Garden ( ? ), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I 've met a
few girls who doesn 't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Here 's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls
out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze
your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry
you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you 're trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty ' and 'money '

Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there' s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my
money will not be gone without any good reason.
The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can 't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It ' s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation.
If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating
with you is also a ' trading position' . If the trade value dropped we
will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term ... same
goes with the marriage that you wanted.

It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or ' lease' . Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.
This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me.

signed, J.P. Morgan

Monday, January 08, 2007

How to tell if you've spent too much time with your computer.

You start introducing yourself as "lord at pacbell dot net"
Your wife drapes a wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like
You check your mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again
Your phone bill is delivered in a box
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla, and Dotcom
All of your friends have an @ in their names
You tell the cab driver you live at http:// 123.elm.street/ house/bluetrim. html
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" and you don't have a job.
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.01"
You never have to deal with the busy signals because you never log off
You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile :)
Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage, so you buy another computer and install another phone line so that the two of you can chat
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button
Your computer goes down, you haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to tremble.
You pick up the phone and dial your Internet access number.
You try to mimic computer noise in order to connect.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Archaeologist and tampon

How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask what period it came from.