The opposite of feminism

What is the opposite of feminism?
Realism.

Passing time waxin' my boat

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out Mike, way WAY out, far away.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

G-Spot and golf ball

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
*You make the bed (+1)
*You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
*You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
*You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8 ) But return with Beer (-5)
*You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
*You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
*You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
*You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
*It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
*You stay by her side the entire party (+1)
*You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
*Named Tina (-10)
*Tina is a dancer (-20)
*Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
*You take her out to dinner (+2)
*You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
*And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
*It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
*You take her to a movie (+1)
*You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
*You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
*You take her to a movie you like (-2)
*It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
*You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
*You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
*You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
*She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what your answer is]
*You hesitate in responding (-10)
*You reply, "Where?" (-35)
*Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
*When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
*You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
*You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
*She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Doing magic

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go home, screw, and then you disappear.

Lihat sisi baiknya

Buat temen-temen yg masih sendiri...
Have a positive thinking!! Begini....

Roni : Aku suka sama kamu, Rin .... Aku pengin kamu jadi pacarku.
Rina : (Malu-malu) Aku juga suka sama kamu, Ron.
Artinya - Jelas si Rina suka sama si Roni, sampe ngomong terus terang gitu.

Adam : Yen, Aku bener-bener suka sama kamu. Aku pengin kita bisa jalan bareng.
Yeyen : Kaya'nya kita lebih baik temenan aja, dech. Kita khan udah lama temenan.
Artinya - Yeyen pun sebenarnya suka sama si Adam. Status "teman" hanya buat alasan aja buat si Yeyen biar bisa deket terus sama si Adam.

Wiko : Aku ngerasa cocok jalan sama kamu. Mau ngga' jadi pacarku, Wen?
Wenny : Jangan sekarang deh .... Aku pengin konsentrasi study-ku dulu.
Artinya - Wenny suka sama si Wiko, jawaban yang nggantung dan ngambang kaya' gitu maksudnya biar Wiko penasaran dan tetep "stay around" si Wenny. Dengan gitu khan mereka bisa tetep deket.
Andaikan si Wenny nggak suka, pasti ngomong terus terang sama Wiko.

Roy : Kamu cakep dech, Lia ... Aku pengin pacaran sama kamu ....
Lia : Terus terang ya, Roy ... Aku nggak suka sama kamu. Aku benci sama kamu. Kamu Egois, Kamu bau, Kamu urakan, Kamu cowok males ! Pokoknya aku benciii sama kamu !!!
Artinya - Perhatian Lia gedhe sama Roy. Lia tau semua sifat-sifat Roy, sampe baunya segala. Ngga' banyak cewek yang perhatian kaya' gitu. Dan sangat mungkin itu artinya Lia aslinya suka sama Roy.

Indra : Aku udah lama merhatiin kamu, Yen ... Aku suka en sayang banget sama kamu ...
Yenni : (Tertawa lepas) Haa..ha..uahaaa..ha.. Lucu kamu, Ndra !
Artinya - Betapa gembiranya! Yenni mendengar ucapan Indra. Ekspresi tawa bahagia tiada tara. Jelas banget si Yenni suka sama sama si Indra, sampe dibilang kalo Indra lucu segala.
Yanto : Ria, ...Mau ngga' jadi pacarku?
Ria : Plak !! Plak !! (Ria "menyentuh" pipi si Yanto)
Artinya - Yanto spesial buat Ria. "Sentuhan" tangan Ria ke pipi Yanto (sampe 2X bahkan, ninggalin bekas merah lagi) adalah sentuhan yang ngga' semua cowok bisa ngerasain. Peluang besar buat Yanto bahwa Ria suka sama dia.

Bimo : Win, Wina ... Aku suka banget sama kamu. Pacaran Yuk ...Wina : Jancuk !! Aku iki lanang, Mo! Aku koncomu, WinaRNO !!! Eling, Mo....eling ... Aku WinaRNO..!!
Artinya - Wina seneng sama Bimo. Masa' sampe ngaku-ngaku cowok segala. Ngotot lagi..! Wina ngaku cowok khan biar selalu bisa santai dan deket sama Bimo.

Jadi jawaban apapun yang nantinya diberikan sama si cewek, peluang selalu ada dan ngga' pernah ketutup. So .. Tetap Semangat...!

Kisses and gestures

What kisses mean...
-Kiss on the stomach: I'm ready.
-Kiss on the forehead: I hope we're together forever.
-Kiss on the ear: You're my everything.
-Kiss on the cheek: We're friends.
-Kiss on the hand: I adore you.
-Kiss on the neck: We belong together.
-Kiss on the shoulder: I want you.
-Kiss on the lips: I love you.

What gestures mean...
-Holding Hand: We definitely like each other.
-Slap on the butt: That's mine. (preferably not to be done except to your husband/wife, unless you want to be considered a lecher)
-Holding on tight: I don't want to let go.
-Looking into each other's eyes: I just plain like you.
-Playing with Hair: Tell me you love me.
-Arms around the Waist: I like you too much to let go.
-Laughing while kissing: I am completely comfortable with you.

Advice:
Don't ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in Love.

Gay jokes

"How is a straight guy like tofu?
Squishy, unattractive and no taste."

"What do you get when you cross a straight man and a straight woman?
Three kids, a mistress and two divorce lawyers."

"If straight women who hang out with gay men are called fag hags and straight men who hang out with gay men are fruit flies, then what are straight men who hang out with lesbians called?
Voyeurs."

Who's that guy?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Underwear

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named Shelly. Shelly was very girly and liked wearing pretty skirts. She wore skirts every day.
One day at school, a young boy named Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym. So Shelly did.
When Shelly got home, she told her mom about her day, and included the part about the jungle gym.
"Shelly, don't do that. He might just be trying to look at your underwear." said her mother.
What the big deal was, Shelly didn't understand.
The next day Sam asked Shelly to climb on the jungle gym again. So she did.
Shelly again told her mother about her day, including the jungle gym moment.
"Didn't I tell you, young lady?" fumed her mother. "He just wants to see your underwear!"
"But Mommy, I tricked him," said Shelly. "Today I didn't wear any underwear!"

The panda and the prostitute

A little panda bear goes into a pros-house. He goes into a bed with one of the female pros. He begins giving her oral. Da pros. wakes up halfway. She is about to chase the panda bear away, but decides to let him finish cuz it feels so good.

He finishes.. and starts to leave.
"Wait", she says, "you didn't pay me yet!" The panda bear shrugs and continues walking out. She then holds up a dictionary. Look here! The panda bear comes back. She flips to prostitute, "Someone who gets money for services done with body" The little panda bear just shrugs and goes to the definition of panda bear. "eats bushes and leaves."

Poems

FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh**.

~*Happy Valentine's Day!!*~

Bad break-up

Period and salary

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

How to marry a rich guy..

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I' m going to say here. I' m 25 this year.
I'm very pretty, have style and good taste.
I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.
You might say that I 'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York. My requirement is not high.
Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary?
Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?
Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.
If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York
City Garden ( ? ), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I 've met a
few girls who doesn 't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

Here 's a reply from a Wall Street Financial guy:

Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls
out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyze
your situation as a professional investor.
My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry
you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.
Put the details aside, what you 're trying to do is an exchange of 'beauty ' and 'money '

Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.
However, there' s a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my
money will not be gone without any good reason.
The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can 't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It ' s not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation.
If that is your only asset, your value will be much worried 10 years later

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating
with you is also a ' trading position' . If the trade value dropped we
will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term ... same
goes with the marriage that you wanted.

It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or ' lease' . Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you.

I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.
This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in 'leasing' services, do contact me.

signed, J.P. Morgan

Archaeologist and tampon

How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give him a tampon and ask what period it came from.

Route: female vs male

Gender of items

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Things men wish women knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
   
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
   
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
   
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
   
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
   
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
   
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
   
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
   
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
   
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
    
11. Shopping is not sport.
    
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
    
13. You have enough clothes.
    
14. You have too many shoes.
    
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
    
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
    
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
    
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
    
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
    
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
    
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
    
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
    
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
    
25. Check your oil.
    
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
    
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
    
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
    
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
    
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
    
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
    
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
    
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
    
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
    
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
    
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
    
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
    
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
    
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
    
41. Anyone can buy condoms.