Saturday, December 02, 2006

Gender of items

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Things men wish women knew

  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
  3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
  5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
  7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
  8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
  9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
  10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  11. Shopping is not sport.
  12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
  13. You have enough clothes.
  14. You have too many shoes.
  15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
  16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
  17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
  18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
  20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
  21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
  24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
  25. Check your oil.
  26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
  27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
  28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
  29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
  30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
  33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
  34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
  35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
  37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
  39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
  40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
  41. Anyone can buy condoms.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

The artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

The unusual paragraph

This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.

Monday, November 27, 2006


A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.

The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Right answers

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order." The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions.

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.

Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.