Saturday, January 27, 2007

Period and salary

What is the closest thing to a woman's period?
Your SALARY... It comes once a month, lasts 4 or 5 days, and if it doesn't come, you are F*CKED!!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Love Doctor

Doctor Dave has slept with one of his patients, and feels teribly guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tries to forget it, he simply can't. The guilt and sense of betrayal is overwhelming. He goes to see his psychiatrist, and attempts to justify what's he's just confessed to, saying he's not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of his patients, and he won't be the last. And he's single. The psychiatrist looks up from his notes and says, "Yes, Dave. But you're a vet."

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Deadbeat in a bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The truest definition of Globalization?

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana’s death.

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an Spanish doctor, using Brazilian medicines.


This is sent to you by an American (using Bill Gates’s technology) and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladesh workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by China, unloaded by African longshoremen, and trucked to you from Malaysia by Indonesian illegals…

Monday, January 22, 2007

What my mother had taught me...

# My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
# My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
# My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
# My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
# My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
# My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
# My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
# My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
# My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
# My mother taught me about PATIENCE.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
# My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
# My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
# My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
# My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
# My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
# My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
# My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
# My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."
# My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
# My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
# My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
# My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
# My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
# My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
# And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Sunday, January 21, 2007


Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office Christmas party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night."
Jack son answers "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door!"
Jack says, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a red rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!' "

Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless!