A camel and her baby

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?"
The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand".

"OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers.

"Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?"

"Yes son?"

"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

The history of women

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God,
"Lord, I have a problem."
"What's the problem, Adam?", God replies.
"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from the heavens.
"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a 'woman' for you."
"What's a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you.", replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."
"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?", Adam replies.
"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?"

The rest, as they say, is history.

Riding command

There was once a holy man who had a horse. One day his friend asked the holy man if he could borrow his horse and he said, "yes." The holy man said, "Say Jesus Christ to make him go and
Amen to make him stop."

So the friend was riding when he saw a cliff but he couldn't remember what to say to make him stop. So he said out loud, "Name of the father son holy spirit, amen." And the horse stopped right at the tip of the cliff and he looked over and said, "JESUS CHRIST!"

If you love somebody...

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."
However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which category do *you* fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, he never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, well, as expected, he never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
Don't worry, he will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, ask him why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he doesn't comes back within some time forget him.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he doesn't come back, continue to wait until he comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
* If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free again,
repeat *

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he doesn't come back,
Hunt him down and shoot him.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_him)) m_him.free()
if(m_he == NULL)
m_he= new CHe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set him free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set him free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial
Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees and tell him that he's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set him free...
He'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he loves you, the probability of him coming back is high,
If he doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set him free...
HE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set him free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set him free
By Offering him VRS and othim benefits, then outsource him.

MBA
If you love somebody set him free...
instantaneously...and look for him simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, him super ego is dominant
If he doesn't come, back him id is supreme
If he doesn't go, he must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, it's a nightmare
If he doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If he asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, map him into your system
If he doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If he doesn't, write him off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, he has brand loyalty
If he doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

There was a woman who had a hard time controlling her spending. One day she came home after buying an expensive dress. Her husband said, "honey, why did you spend so much money!" The woman replied "the devil made me do it!" Her husband said, "Haven't you learned at church to say 'get thee behind me satan?'" The woman answered, "I told him to get behind me and he said the dress looks even better from there."

Buying a computer: Abbot and Costello

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in the Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

A FEW DAYS LATER ...
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

And believe me, you don't wanna know the rest of the story...

Contributed by: Lonnie Saling

Costly test

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got his test back and $64 change.