Saturday, December 23, 2006

Blondes on escalators

The power went out in the mall, and the two blondes were stuck on the escalator for hours!

Friday, December 22, 2006

Every rule has an exception

A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing she asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
She scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … that’s alI I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .

Thursday, December 21, 2006

The nun's kiss

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull off to the side of the road, maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun plants a whopper of a kiss on the cabbie! But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

A talented salesboy

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like POOP!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

If Microsoft built cars

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this and drive on.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop, fail to restart, and you’d have to reinstall the engine. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this too.
  4. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  5. Someone else - say, a company called Macintosh - would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as fast, and twice as easy to drive. But, it would only run on one road in twenty.
  6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars run much slower.
  7. The oil, engine, petrol, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “ERROR” warning light.
  8. New seats would require everyone to have the same size backside.
  9. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a “Car95″ or a “CarNT.” But, then you’d have to buy more seats.
  10. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Love letter from a mathematician

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane. There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden. Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity. I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me by applying the limits from zero to infinity.You are as essential to me as an element of a set. The geometry of my life revolves around your acute personality.

My love, if you do not meet me at parabola restaurant on date 10 at sunset, when the sun is making an angle of 160 degrees, my heart would be like a solved polynomial of degree 10. With love from your higher order derivatives of maxima and minima, of an unknown function.

Yours ever loving,

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Before and after the marriage

Before the marriage: (Top to bottom)
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
{Now after the marriage. You can read it bottom to top leaving last line.}