In Seine

If you jump off the Eiffel tower in Paris, you'd be in seine.

The opposite of feminism

What is the opposite of feminism?
Realism.

Horse-y pun

Jokes for the Russians

Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A: The bus and train timetables. 

Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle. 

Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
A: Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle. 

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. 

"Ladies and gents."

And that concludes the tour of the toilets.

F**king goofy

Air conditioning

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.

Two tomatoes were walking together, when one started to lag behind. The other one squashed it and said "ketchup!"

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a ship's wheel tucked into his pants.
The bartender says: "Is that a ship's wheel in your pants?"
And the pirate says: "Arrrrrrrrr it's drivin' me nuts!"

Customers' complaints

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked: Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory and these are customers' COMPLAINTS.

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

Cheap prostitute

Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for $10. Guess who just got their car washed?

G-Spot and golf ball

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Florida or the moon?

Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon.
One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

iPhones in a bar

Two iPhones walk into a bar.

What ? Siri made that one up.

Chernobyl Microwave

I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

What goes..

What goes... vrrrrrm stop... vrrrrmmm stop... vrrrrrrmm stop?

A blond at an intersection with a flashing red light.

Happily married

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Doing magic

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go home, screw, and then you disappear.

Before and after

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'