Saturday, October 21, 2006

[this is just for a laugh-off, don't take it too hard, don't take it personal, it's just jokes!]

1. Marriage is not a word. It's a sentence --a
life sentence.

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.

6. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

7. Son: How much does it cost to get married, dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying
for it.

8. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her. Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

9. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

10. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

11. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

12. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

13. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.

14. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

15. Eighty percent of married man cheat in
America, the rest cheat in Europe.

16. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

17. Marriage is man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

18. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

19. I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

20. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

21. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

22. A man was complaining to a friend: I HAD IT ALL-MONEY, A BEAUTIFUL HOUSE, THE

23. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

2 4. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: AREN'T YOU WEARING YOUR RING ON THE WRONG FINGER? The other replied, YES, I, AM. I MARRIED THE WRONG MAN.

25. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.

26. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

27. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing - YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

28. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing --either the car is new or the wife is.

29. The shortest sentence is "I AM". The longest is "I DO".

Friday, October 20, 2006

The girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her college class and
the instructions were that it had to discuss Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Letter from a senior citizen

I am a senior citizen.
During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.
I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.
I lost my homes.
I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.
Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.
I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.


Saddam Hussein

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Santa's bad day

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Yo, fat man, Merry Christmas. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Saddest story...

Bill, Jim and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.
At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"Before I tell tens of sad story, I'II will tell my saddest story first,' he said. 'I left the room key in the car!!!"

Monday, October 16, 2006

Rejected Hallmark cards

'Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you.'

'You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?'

Sunday, October 15, 2006


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company.
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric
company offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."