Saturday, October 14, 2006

Advice for ladies

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it...
Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores...
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually...
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then................. Buy a cat !!!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Heavenly clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Effective marketing techniques

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The Boss asked the kid if he had any experience. The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you are doing." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid says, "$101,237.64." The boss says, "$101,237.64? WHAT did you sell?!?"

The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him over one hundred thousand dollars worth of goods.

"No sir", the kid says, "he came in for a box of Tampons for his wife and I said, Well your weekend is shot, you may as well go fishing".

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Don't mess with a Japanese...

First school day in an American School. The female teacher introduces a new student. Sakiro Suzuki (son of Sony CEO).

The class starts:
Teacher: "let's see who masters the American Culture History. Who said: GIVE ME THE FREEDOM OR THE DEATH". It was quiet in the class.
Suzuki rises the hand: " Patrick Henry 1775 in Philadelphia" "Very good Suzuki."

And who said: "The State is the people. The people may not go down."
Suzuki stands: :" Abraham Lincoln 1863 in Washington." The teacher look at the students and says: "Shame you. Suzuki is Japanese and knows the American History better than you".

A voice is coming out from background: "Kiss my ass, you damned Japanese" "Who said that?" the teacher screams.
Suzuki rises the hand and without waiting he says: " General McArthur 1942 at Panama Canal and Lee Iacocca 1982 in the BOD meeting of General Motor."

The class is super quiet. From behind: "I must vomit"
The teacher screams: "Who was that?"
Suzuki answers: "George Bush Senior to Japanese First Minister Tanaka during lunch in Tokyo 1991."

One of the students stands and screams angrily: "Blow me one"
The teacher upset: "Now stop. Who was that now?"
Suzuki without blinking the eye: "Bill Clinton to Monica Levinsky 1997 in Washington in oval room of the White House."

Another students stands and screams: "Suzuki damned you"
Suzuki says: "Valentino Rossi in Ryo at Grand Prix Motorcycle racing in South Africa 2002."

The class falls in hysteria, the teacher becomes unconscious. The door opens and the principal comes in: "Fuck, I have never seen such a mess."
Suzuki: "German Chancellor Schroeder after he was betrayed in the budget by Finance Minister Eichel."

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Cool Singlish [Singapore-English]

You might like this. This is hilarious...
Even an English man could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9 and 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1.

This is what he came up with...

1 day I go 2 climb up a 3 [tree] outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 [fall] down.
The man rush out and wanted to 5 [fight] with me. I run until I fall 6 [sick] and throw up. So I go into 7 eleven and grab some 8 [egg] to throw at him. Then I took a 9 [knive] and try to stab him. 10 [Thank] God he run away.

So, I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7 eleven. Next day, I call my boss and say I am 6. He said 5 [fine], tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asks me to climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand, so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1 [want].

Monday, October 09, 2006

Don't listen to too much music

Mr. Eric was walking around the form 3 block when he saw one of the form 3 class, 3'T', making noise. He entered the classroom and this is what happened....
Mr. Eric: Who was playing and talking please stand up or the whole class gets it.
Anand : "Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up"(Eminem)
Mr. Eric: You! I want you to come to my office now Office

Time: 0900 hrs
Mr.Eric: What Is Your name?
Anand : "Say My Name Say My Name"(Destiny's Child) :rockandroll:
Mr.Eric: Don't play a fool
Anand : "Can't Believe I'm The Fool Again"(Westlife) :inlove:
Mr.Eric: Do you want me to beat you ?
Anand : "Hit Me Baby One More Time"(Britney Spears) :smash:
Mr Eric: What did u say?
Anand : "WHAT!"(Stone Cold) :mellow:
Mr.Eric: Are you out of your head?
Anand : "I Can't Get U Outta My Head"(Kylie Minogue)
Mr.Eric: Who do you think you are ?
Anand : "I'm A Genie In Bottle"(Christina Aguilera) :hmmmm:
Mr.Eric: How many demerits do you want?
Anand : "1,2,345,Everybody In The Car..."(Lou Bega)
Mr.Eric: Do you always play in class?
Anand : "Sometimes I Run, Sometimes..."(Britney Spears) :tolong!:
Mr Eric: Do u think this is a party ?
Anand : "I'm Coming Up So U Better Get The Party Started"(Pink)
Mr.Eric: I want you to come for detention class tomorrow morning
Anand : "Every Morning They're A Hello..."(Sugar Ray) ;)
Mr.Eric: I've just changed my mind. I want you to come everyday
Aanad : "Everyday I Love You"(Boyzone) :wub:
Mr.Eric: I want you to come alone
Anand : "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely"(Backstreet Boys) :blink:
Mr.Eric: It gonna be the two of us
Anand : "Just The Two Of Us"(Will Smith) :toast:
Mr.Eric: Are you going to shut up or do you want me to stop talking
Anand : "You Say It Best, When You Say Nothing At All"(Ronan Keating)
Mr.Eric: I want you to promise me that you won't get into anymore trouble.
Anand : "This I Promise You"(N*sync) :flower:
Mr.Eric: Make Sure you don't get into trouble again
Anand : "Oops I Did It Again"(Britney Spears) :excl:
Mr.Eric: You can go now
Anand : "There She Goes"(Sixpence None The Richer) :angry2:
Mr.Eric: I said go!
Anand : "Bye Bye Bye"(N*sync) :offtopic: