Wednesday, November 04, 2009

Chernobyl Microwave

I've just ordered an empty cardboard box from Chernobyl.
It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Monday, November 02, 2009

How Do You Start a Flood?

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Sunday, November 01, 2009

What goes..

What goes... vrrrrrm stop... vrrrrmmm stop... vrrrrrrmm stop?

A blond at an intersection with a flashing red light.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Bubba's 21st birthday

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat...and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you frickin' idiot."

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Friday, October 09, 2009

Why me??

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983.
From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which
conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?

To this Arthur Ashe replied:
"The world over -- 50 million children
start playing tennis, 5 million learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, when I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?".
And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"

"Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, and sorrow keeps you human, failure keeps you humble and success keeps you glowing.
But only faith and attitude keeps you going....."

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Happily married

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

Squirrel love story

Boy squirrel looks up and sees girl squirrel lounging in the tree...

Girl squirrel
Girl squirrel sees boy squirrel....

Squirrel picnic
Boy squirrel invites girl squirrel for a picnic on his pecans!

Squirrel whisper
Boy squirrel whispers something to girl squirrel...

Squirrel sex
Now, isn't that just like a man...takes a girl out for a cheap meal and then
expects her to furnish dessert!
No wonder our squirrel population is out of control....!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

*You make the bed (+1)
*You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
*You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
*You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8 ) But return with Beer (-5)
*You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
*You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
*You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
*You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
*It's her pet (-20)

*You stay by her side the entire party (+1)
*You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
*Named Tina (-10)
*Tina is a dancer (-20)
*Tina has silicon implants (-80)

*You take her out to dinner (+2)
*You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
*And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
*It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

*You take her to a movie (+1)
*You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
*You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
*You take her to a movie you like (-2)
*It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
*You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

*You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
*You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

*She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what your answer is]
*You hesitate in responding (-10)
*You reply, "Where?" (-35)
*Any other response (-20)

*When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
*You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
*You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
*She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Saturday, August 08, 2009

Doing magic

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go
 home, screw, and then you disappear.

Friday, August 07, 2009

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Friday, March 20, 2009

Before and after

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'