"Ladies and gents."

And that concludes the tour of the toilets.

F**king goofy

Two tomatoes were walking together, when one started to lag behind. The other one squashed it and said "ketchup!"

Cheap prostitute

Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for $10. Guess who just got their car washed?

How to annoy a police

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does you r parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you  all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is you r house?
Me: Next to my neighbours house
Police: Where is your neighbours house?
Me: If I tell you you  wont believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.

The foreigner

Once there was a man that came from Russia to America, He couldn't speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly."
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."

Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?" And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

Don't and stop

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL: But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

Toilet accident

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"

He heard the voice again. "Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back."

TANJOOBERRYMUTTS

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS" ... and be ready for China.
In order to continue getting-by in China, we need to learn English the way it is spoken...... ......... ........
Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...
The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service today......
Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
Room Service: "Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"
Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"
Guest: ".....What??"
Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"
Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry... Scrambled, please."
Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken? Creepse?"
Guest: "Crisp will be fine."
Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"
Guest: "What?"
Room Service: "An toes. Ulai sahn toes?"
Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."
RoomService: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"
Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."
RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"
Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine... Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RoomService: "We botter?"
Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."
RoomService: "Wad?!?"
Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."
RoomService: "Copy?"
Guest: "Excuse me?"
RoomService: "Copy...tea . . . meel?"
Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."
RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken, Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy... Rye??"
Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."
Guest: "You're welcome."

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ......
and you do, don't you!”

Love Doctor

Doctor Dave has slept with one of his patients, and feels teribly guilty about it all day long. No matter how much he tries to forget it, he simply can't. The guilt and sense of betrayal is overwhelming. He goes to see his psychiatrist, and attempts to justify what's he's just confessed to, saying he's not the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of his patients, and he won't be the last. And he's single. The psychiatrist looks up from his notes and says, "Yes, Dave. But you're a vet."

Newspaper ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who loves to play.
I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, swimming naked in the pond, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me.
Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Responses!
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the
Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador retriever.

Going camping

Two guys, Joe and Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent"!

Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said ..
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."

I know what were you thinking... oh, behave.

Gay flight attendant

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, B**ch."

Chet's Christmas Carol

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

In a construction site

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

Learn Chinese in 5 minutes

[Must read out loud]

1) That's not right………………………….Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive…………..Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP…………………………Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man……………………………….Dum Gai

5) Small Horse………………………………Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach…………………Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table……………….Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift………………..Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here……………………Wai So Dim

10) I thought you were on a diet…………….Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone………………….No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week………Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight……………………..Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile……………Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive…………….Yu Stin Ki Pu

Ever experienced this?

The top 10 unintentionally worst company URLs

Attn: Entrepreneurs
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is
www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company…
www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:
www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

Short jokes

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Isn't he taste funny?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."