Saturday, July 27, 2013

In Seine

If you jump off the Eiffel tower in Paris, you'd be in seine.

Friday, July 26, 2013

The opposite of feminism

What is the opposite of feminism?

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Jokes for the Russians

Q: What occupies the last 6 pages of the Lada User's Manual?
A: The bus and train timetables. 

Q: What do you call a Lada on a hill?
A: A bloody miracle. 

Q: Why did Stalin wear knee boots while Lenin's were much shorter?
A: Because during Lenin's time, Russia was polluted only up to ankle. 

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Russia?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin. 

Friday, July 19, 2013

Norway blinker

Two Norwegians are driving at night. The driver starts to worry something is wrong with his blinkers so he pulls over and asks the other Norwegian to get out and check them.
"Hey," the guys yells from the front of the car, "It works... Wait it doesn't work... No now it works... Wait it doesn't work... No wait, now it works... Oh sorry, it doesn't work..."

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Three Generations of Royal Wedding

1947 (The then) Princess Elizabeth and Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten
1947 (The then) Princess Elizabeth & Lieutenant Philip Mountbatten. 

1981 Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer
1981 Prince Charles & Lady Diana Spencer.

2011 Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Catherine Middleton
2011 Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, & Catherine Middleton.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

6 Phases of Work

Phase 1

You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great. Your coworkers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, and your boss is the best!
Jazz kitty

Phase 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.
Pop music kitty

Phase 3

You are listening to heavy metal -- This is what you feel like at month end.
Heavy metal kitty

Phase 4

You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in. You have started thinking 'WHATEVER' about your boss.
Hip hop kitty

Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP -- After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.
Gansta rap kitty

Phase 6

You are listening to the voices in your head -- You have build a makeshift door on your cubicle to keep people out, You have a dartboard with your bosses picture on it in your cube. You wonder why you are even here in the first place.
Crazy kitty

Monday, July 15, 2013

Horrible celebrity tattoos

Ryan Cabrera's Ryan Gosling tattoo
Ryan Cabrera's Ryan Gosling.
ke$sha's suck it tattoo
ke$sha's suck it.
Scarlett Johansson's horse shoe tattoo
Scarlett Johansson's horse shoe.
Lindsay Lohan's red triangle tattoo
Lindsay Lohan's red triangle
and "what dreams may come".
Cheryl Cole's roses tattoo
Cheryl Cole's roses.
Harry Styles - Butterfly on the stomach.
Harry Styles' butterfly on the stomach.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Girl at the beach

A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot.   One summer they noticed a girl who  was at the beach almost every day.  She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around and then speak to them.

Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off.   But occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something that she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed that she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know
for sure, they decided to just continue watching her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"   He hadn't and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach.  Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave..   The man then walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.  "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more
than he should have.

"Well, what is it then?  What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "She's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife..

"Yes!" he replied.

"She Sells C Cells by the Seashore!"

The language of the minion

Monday, July 08, 2013

Actuary and the Farmer

*A person who compiles and analyses statistics and uses them to calculate insurance risks and premiums.

An actuary and a farmer were travelling by train. When they passed a flock of sheep in a meadow, the actuary said, "There are 1248 sheep out there." The farmer replied, "Amazing. By chance, I know the owner, and the figure is absolutely correct. How did you count them so quickly?" The actuary answered, "Easy, I just counted the number of legs and divided by four. 

Sunday, July 07, 2013

Top Ten Truthful Caddies

Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."
and the #1 best caddy comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
by Rodger K. Middleton, B.A.

Saturday, July 06, 2013

The Value of a Policy

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.
"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

Saturday, March 02, 2013

"Ladies and gents."

And that concludes the tour of the toilets.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Air conditioning

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly when you open windows.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013