Sunday, April 04, 2010

Saturday, April 03, 2010

Friday, April 02, 2010


A suited gentlemen was in a bar when a gorgeous woman approaches him, looks him straight in the eye and says:
"Listen here, good looking. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me. I just love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:
"No kidding, I'm in banking too! What Bank are you with?"

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Customers' complaints

A man was carrying 3 babies in a train.
The lady sitting next to him asked:
 Are they your babies?
MAN: No, I work in a condom factory
 and these are customers' COMPLAINTS.

Monday, March 29, 2010

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cab driver turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Passing time waxin' my boat

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out Mike, way WAY out, far away.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

Friday, March 26, 2010

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Between Crazy & Stupid

The difference between CRAZY and STUPID.

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "Can't even fix such a simple wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that."

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"

Patient replied:
"Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Cheap prostitute

Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for $10. Guess who just got their car washed?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

How to annoy a police

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does you r parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you  all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is you r house?
Me: Next to my neighbours house
Police: Where is your neighbours house?
Me: If I tell you you  wont believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.

Friday, March 19, 2010

G-Spot and golf ball

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Front seat

This girl went to a Dead show with terrible tickets. She could barely even see the stage. Once the show began, she noticed an empty seat waaaaay in the front. She slowly made her way towards the stage, dodging ticket checkers left and right, and finally reached the empty seat. She was so close that Bobby could have spit on her.

At the set break, she told the guy next to her that she couldn't believe that someone had given up such an incredible seat. The guy said, "Well, my wife and I had tickets to this show together, but she passed away." She said, "I'm so sorry. Couldn't you find someone else to come to the show with you, a friend or a relative or something?" The guy replied, "Nah. They're all at her funeral today."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Florida or the moon?

Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon.
One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?"
"Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

A Tale of Two Cows

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION. You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION. You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION. You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION. You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION. You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment and high bovine productivity. You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You worship them.

A MALAYSIAN CORPORATION. You have two cows. You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at 0.06 per lit. Then midway you raised the price to 0.60 or you cut supply. When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want 1.20. The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows. Your two cows retire together with the PM.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATION. You have two cows: One "cow-peh" and one "cow-bu". Both are owned by a government linked corporation.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Monday, February 08, 2010

iPhones in a bar

Two iPhones walk into a bar.

What ? Siri made that one up.

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Saturday, February 06, 2010

The foreigner

Once there was a man that came from Russia to America, He couldn't speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me."
Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly."
And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in."

Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?"
The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me."
The police said "Why did you kill him?"
And the man said "He stole my dolly."
The police man said "What did you kill him with?"
The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife."
Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death.
The police man said "any last words?" And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

Friday, February 05, 2010

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Barn Insurance

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company and told them, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Stranded on a deserted island

So two people are stranded on a deserted island, they're tired and semiconscious. They find this bottle, rub it and out goes a Genie. He tells them that he'll fulfill each one wish.
The first one, ecstatic, goes "I want to go home." Poof and he's gone.
The Genie turns to the other guy and asks him "And what's your wish?"
Looking around and feeline alone, he said, "I want the other guy to come back here."

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Monday, February 01, 2010

Norway little jokes

Q: Why did the Norwegian crawl on the floor through the supermarket?
A: Because they’re looking for the low prices.

Q: Why do Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fast?
A: The drivers are scared of getting robbed.

Q: Why did the Norwegian bring a rolled-up piece of sandpaper to the desert?
A: Thought it was a map.

Q: How do you sink a Norwegian submarine?
A: Scuba-dive down and knock on the door.

Q: How do you sink a Norwegian submarine again?
A: Dive down and knock on the door again. Wait for them to open the window and say, "You aren't fooling us this time!"

Q: How do you sink a Danish submarine?
A: Dive down and knock on the window. Wait for them to open the door and say, "Come on, who do you take us for? Norwegians?"

Q: How do you sink a Swedish submarine?
A: Give it a Norwegian crew.

Q: How do you say "genius" in Norway?
A: Tourist.