Before and after

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Father of the bride

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom ... They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride.
The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced :
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Today is the luckiest day of my life ..." Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my Credit Card to me."
The whole audience including the priest started laughing . . . But not the poor Groom !!!

Seal's pee

Cycling on the road

Don't and stop

MUM: Didn't I tell you if a stranger touches your breast say "DON'T". And if he touches your pussy say STOP!
GIRL: But mum, he touched both, so I told him DON'T STOP!!!!"

After death

Three friends die in a car accident, and upon their arrival to heaven, they are all asked, "When you are in your casket and family and friends are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first man says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second man says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last man replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'LOOK! HE'S MOVING!'"

A panty and a stage curtain

What's the difference between a panty and a stage curtain?
Answer : When you pull down the stage curtain, show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY... IT'S SHOWTIME.