Rejected Hallmark cards

'Congratulations on your wedding day!...
-- Too bad no one likes your wife.'

'How could two people as beautiful as you....
-- have such an ugly baby?'

'I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...
-- After having met you, I've changed my mind.'

'I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...
-- I never believed in Hell until I met you.'

'As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
-- that you're not here to ruin it for me.'

'Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...
-- I never knew what evil was before this!'

'Before you go,... I would like you to take this knife out of my back.
-- You'll probably need it again.'

'Someday I hope to get married...
-- but not to you.'

'You look great for your age...
-- Almost Lifelike!'

'When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...
-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.'

'We have been friends for a very long time...
-- What do you say we call it quits?'

'I'm so miserable without you...
-- It's almost like you're here.'

'Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
-- Did you ever find out who the father was?'