Why beer is better than religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help.

The HR Director and hell

Human Resources Director went to heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "we've never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules". And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends, fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country to enjoy an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it; it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it; it was time to leave and St Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course, country club, we ate lobster, we danced and had a great time. Now, there is only wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled .....

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're a staff..."

Barbie shopping

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when he notices he knows nothing about Barbie and there aren’t even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie dolls to the checkout.

“Hi, how may I help you,” says the checkout guy.

Tim replies, “I have three Barbies and I need to know what they are and how much they cost?

The checkout guys says, “Well, the first one is Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is Divorce Barbie and she is $250.

“What!!” Tim shouts. Are you kidding me?!! Why is Divorce Barbie so much?”

The checkout guy explains, “Well, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and everything else Ken owns!!”

Ten

Man walks into the Doctors office.
"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid you’re going to die" Says the Doctor.
The Man asks "How long do I have to live?"
"Ten", replies the Doctor.
"What the heck does that mean", the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks. What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine, eight, seven....”

Going camping

Two guys, Joe and Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, "Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Bill replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, and then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning.

Theologically, it's evident the
Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?"

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, "Bill, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent"!

Summary of my three new year resolutions from the past five years.

• 1999: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
• 2000: I will read at least 10 books a year.
• 2001: I will read 5 books a year.
• 2002: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
• 2003: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

• 1999: I will get my weight down below 170.
• 2000: I will watch my calories until my weight is below 200.
• 2001: I will follow my new diet until I get below 220.
• 2002: I will work out once a week.
• 2003: I will drive past a gym at least once a week.

• 1999: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
• 2000: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
• 2001: I will be totally out of debt by next year.
• 2002: I will try to pay off the debt interest by next year.
• 2003: I will try to be out of the country by next year.

Have a Happy New Year!

Paris Hilton special

Weeweechu

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said ..
"Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon" said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and its the perfect time," Huan Cho begged.
"But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a merry Christmas, Weeweechu a merry Christmas,
Weeweechu a merry Christmas, and a happy New Year."

I know what were you thinking... oh, behave.