How Do You Start a Flood?

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The puzzled lawyer asked, "How do you start a flood?"

Valerie...

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that there are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

If you love somebody...

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."
However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which category do *you* fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, he never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, he's yours,
If he doesn't, well, as expected, he never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
Don't worry, he will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he ever comes back, ask him why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he doesn't comes back within some time forget him.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
If he doesn't come back, continue to wait until he comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set him free ...
* If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free again,
repeat *

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he doesn't come back,
Hunt him down and shoot him.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_him)) m_him.free()
if(m_he == NULL)
m_he= new CHe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set him free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set him free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial
Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees and tell him that he's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set him free...
He'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set him free...
If he loves you, the probability of him coming back is high,
If he doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set him free...
HE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set him free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set him free
By Offering him VRS and othim benefits, then outsource him.

MBA
If you love somebody set him free...
instantaneously...and look for him simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, him super ego is dominant
If he doesn't come, back him id is supreme
If he doesn't go, he must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, it's a nightmare
If he doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If he asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, map him into your system
If he doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If he doesn't, write him off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set him free...
If he comes back, he has brand loyalty
If he doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Questions and answers on lawyer

Question: What do you have when there is only one lawyer in town?
Answer: Too little work.

Question: What do you have when there are two lawyers in town? 
Answer: Too much work.

Question: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Answer: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!

Question: Why don't snakes bite attorneys? 
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
Answer: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.

Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? 
Answer: His lips begin to move.

Question: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
Answer: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Question: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: How many can you afford?

Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.

Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
Answer: A great place to start.

Question: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? 
Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
Answer: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? 
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer: A doberman pinscher.

Question: How do you get an attorney out of a tree? 
Answer: Cut the rope.

Question: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
Answer: Deep down, they're much nicer people.

Question: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists? 
Answer: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Question: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
Answer: New Jersey got first pick.

Question: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 
Answer: Cats keep trying to bury them.

Question: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
Answer: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Question: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? 
Answer: Stick his bill up his ass.

Question: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

Question: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Answer 1: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
Answer 2: The vulture eventually lets go.

Question: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? 
Answer: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.

Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: "Good morning, your honor."

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control? 
Answer: Their personalities.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Question: How many lawyer jokes are there? 
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Question: What do a baker and an attorney have in common? 
Answer: They both enjoy carving up the pie.

Question: Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
Answer: So they can park in handicapped zones.