Muffins

Two muffins are in an oven.
One says, "Its getting hot in here."
The other says, " HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

Gay jokes

"How is a straight guy like tofu?
Squishy, unattractive and no taste."

"What do you get when you cross a straight man and a straight woman?
Three kids, a mistress and two divorce lawyers."

"If straight women who hang out with gay men are called fag hags and straight men who hang out with gay men are fruit flies, then what are straight men who hang out with lesbians called?
Voyeurs."

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get it started. Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger. "

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He held her hand softly, led her to a chair and said, "Secondly, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, and then. ... "He sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

Oscar movies

Anyone know the next years Oscars favourite movies?

The Pursuit of HappyFeet and The Devil Wears Blood Diamonds

Who's that guy?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Going home early

Teacher: Whoever answers this question can go home now 1 hour early.
A student accidentally shoots a spit ball at his teacher.
Teacher: Who shot that spit ball?!
Student: I did by mistake. See you tomorrow.

Toilet accident

A man went into the public toilets to relieve himself. The first cubicle was in use, so he went into the next one. As he took down his trousers, he heard a voice from the other cubicle.
"Hey, hows it going?"
Not wanting to be rude, he replied, "Not too bad thanks."
A few seconds later, he heard the voice again.
"What are you up to?"
Somewhat relunctantly, he replied, "Having a quick sh*t, what about you?"

He heard the voice again. "Hold on, I'm going to have to call you back."