Insurance Don

Q : What's the difference between an insurance company CEO and the mafia don?

A : The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will die this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.

The value of a Catholic education...and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through class.

One day, her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?"'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, sitting behind Susie, took his pencil and stuck her in the rear . . .

"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.

"Very Good" the nun said, and continued teaching class.

A little later, the nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Susie had fallen back to sleep and didn't stir. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and poked her butt with the pencil.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.

"Excellent" said the nun.

Since Susie seemed to be on a roll, the nun asked a third question . . .

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"

Knowing Susie was asleep again, Johnny gave her a pretty fierce jab in the tush.

This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted . . .

Talking his way out of a ticket

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. 
Man: No sir, I was going 65. 
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. 
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! 
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. 
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. 
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. 
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. 
Man: Shut your mouth, woman! 
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? 
Wife: No, only when he's drunk. 

Talking his way out of a ticket

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. 
Man: No sir, I was going 65. 
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. 
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! 
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. 
(Man gives his wife a dirty look.) 
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. 
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. 
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. 
Man: Shut your mouth, woman! 
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? 
Wife: No, only when he's drunk. 

Dishwasher

My dishwasher broke down the other day. Hopefully when I buy her some flowers tonight she will cheer up a bit.

Women top 5 lies: from the whitest down

5. I am a virgin.
4. It is so big.
3. I can't do that to my best friend.
2. I won't gain weight after marriage
1. I am coming! I am coming!!!

GIRLS REACTION TO PENIS SIZES

9 INCHES - Oh s--t, pain!!
7 INCHES - Oh, I'm in heaven
6 INCHES - OH PERFECT
5 INCHES - UMMMM OK
4 INCHES - PUSH MORE
3 INCHES - IS THAT IN???
2 INCHES - IDIOT!! JUST USE YOUR TONGUE!