Passing time waxin' my boat

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin' over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out Mike, way WAY out, far away.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

Life journey

Between Crazy & Stupid

The difference between CRAZY and STUPID.

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said, "Can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver... Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that."

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the Mental Hospital?"


Patient replied:
"Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Why is your penis better than a credit card?

(a) Once spent it recharges itself.
(b) It is accepted worldwide.
(c) You can let your wife use it as much as she wants.

Cheap prostitute

Got approached by a prostitute today who said that she would do anything for $10. Guess who just got their car washed?

How to annoy a police

Police: Where do you live?
Me: With my parents.
Police: Where does you r parents live?
Me: With me.
Police: Where do you  all live?
Me: Together.
Police: Where is you r house?
Me: Next to my neighbours house
Police: Where is your neighbours house?
Me: If I tell you you  wont believe me.
Police: Tell me.
Me: Next to my house.