Happily married

A couple recently married was happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the hole, and she was happy with the thing.

Kitty sense

Squirrel drinking

Squirrel love story

Boy squirrel looks up and sees girl squirrel lounging in the tree...

Girl squirrel sees boy squirrel....

Boy squirrel invites girl squirrel for a picnic on his pecans!

Boy squirrel whispers something to girl squirrel...

Now, isn't that just like a man...takes a girl out for a cheap meal and then

expects her to furnish dessert!

No wonder our squirrel population is out of control....!

The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
*You make the bed (+1)
*You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
*You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
*You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8 ) But return with Beer (-5)
*You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
*You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
*You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
*You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
*It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
*You stay by her side the entire party (+1)
*You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
*Named Tina (-10)
*Tina is a dancer (-20)
*Tina has silicon implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
*You take her out to dinner (+2)
*You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
*Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
*And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
*It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
*You take her to a movie (+1)
*You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
*You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
*You take her to a movie you like (-2)
*It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
*You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
*You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it(+10)
*You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
*You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
*She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what your answer is]
*You hesitate in responding (-10)
*You reply, "Where?" (-35)
*Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
*When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
*You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
*You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
*She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

Doing magic

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says: You want to play magic?
She says: What is that?
He says: We go home, screw, and then you disappear.

Scream of poo

Source: guggaosk99