A mother is a mother no matter what species

A mother squirrel rescues her baby from a big bad black dog.

Questions and answers on lawyer

Question: What do you have when there is only one lawyer in town?
Answer: Too little work.

Question: What do you have when there are two lawyers in town? 
Answer: Too much work.

Question: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Answer: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Question: How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?
Answer: Ten, if you stand them on their heads.

Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
Answer: No.
Reply: Good!

Question: Why don't snakes bite attorneys? 
Answer: Professional courtesy.

Question: Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
Answer: It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.

Question: How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? 
Answer: His lips begin to move.

Question: How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
Answer: With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

Question: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: How many can you afford?

Question: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
Answer: An offer you can't understand.

Question: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
Answer: A f***ing know-it-all.

Question: What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
Answer: A great place to start.

Question: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? 
Answer: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Question: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
Answer: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

Question: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? 
Answer: Not enough sand.

Question: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
Answer: A doberman pinscher.

Question: How do you get an attorney out of a tree? 
Answer: Cut the rope.

Question: Why are lawyers buried in deeper graves than other folks?
Answer: Deep down, they're much nicer people.

Question: What's the difference between female prosecutors and terrorists? 
Answer: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Question: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
Answer: New Jersey got first pick.

Question: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 
Answer: Cats keep trying to bury them.

Question: The tooth fairy, an honest lawyer, and an expensive, dishonest lawyer are in the same room. There is a $500 bill on a table in the room. When they leave, the money is gone. Who took it?
Answer: Since there is no such thing as the tooth fairy or an honest lawyer, the answer is obvious.

Question: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do? 
Answer: Stick his bill up his ass.

Question: What do you call parachuting lawyers?
Answer: Skeet.

Two lawyers were walking along the beach, when they saw two gorgeous girls lying in the sand. One lawyer said to the other, "Hey, let's go over there and screw those two girls." The other lawyer replied, "Sure. Out of what?"

Question: What's the difference between lawyers and vultures?
Answer 1: Vultures can't take their wing tips off.
Answer 2: The vulture eventually lets go.

Question: What separates police officers from the lowest form of life on the earth? 
Answer: In the courtroom, it's the partitions around the witness stand.

Question: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Answer: "Good morning, your honor."

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control? 
Answer: Their personalities.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
Answer: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Question: How many lawyer jokes are there? 
Answer: Only three. The balance are documented case histories.

Question: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
Answer: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Question: What do a baker and an attorney have in common? 
Answer: They both enjoy carving up the pie.

Question: Why do lawyers display a copy of their bar association cards on their dashboards?
Answer: So they can park in handicapped zones.

A small business

A man visits his bank manager and says, "How do I start a small business?"

The manager replies, "Start a large one and wait six months."

Collateral

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewelry to city and sell it," said the old man.
"What have you got for collateral?" queried the banker, going strictly by the book.
"Don't know of collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?" "Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"I don't know; it has no teeth."

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here's the money to pay loan," he said, handing the entire amount including interest.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put it in my pocket."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank?" he asked.
"I don't know of deposit."
"Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, "What you got for collateral?"

My Brother-in-Law

Mr. Smith was brought to the Hospital and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the old man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sister of the hospital, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relative?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinster - they are married to God."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Insurance Don

Q : What's the difference between an insurance company CEO and the mafia don?

A : The insurance company CEO can tell you how many people will die this year. The mafia don can tell you the names of all of them.

The value of a Catholic education...and a #2 pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through class.

One day, her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?"'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny, sitting behind Susie, took his pencil and stuck her in the rear . . .

"God Almighty!" shouted Susie.

"Very Good" the nun said, and continued teaching class.

A little later, the nun asked Susie, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But Susie had fallen back to sleep and didn't stir. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and poked her butt with the pencil.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Susie.

"Excellent" said the nun.

Since Susie seemed to be on a roll, the nun asked a third question . . .

"What did Eve say to Adam after she had their twenty-third child?"

Knowing Susie was asleep again, Johnny gave her a pretty fierce jab in the tush.

This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted . . .